Yes, I'm still here, I'm still alive, I have a smile on my face and really have nothing to complain about. But, WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!!!! That's just a little how I've been feeling as of late.
So, today, as I went through the motions and attempted to complete and wrap up yet another seemingly uneventful and meaningless day in my life's existence, I sought to find meaning. Let me explain.
Right now I'm sitting in a purple chair. The only reason I'm sitting in a purple chair instead of a normal black office chair like everyone else with cushy arms (or any arms at all), a mesh back and multiple adjustment options, is because this one, in my personal opinion is more comfortable and three years and some odd months ago, it was my only option. So, here I sit. I do my job and once a month I get paid for it.
At the beginning of this stint at the agency of my employment, my attention was focused on sales. Now, not only due to the economy but some internal shifts in our agency, I do less sales and more customer service work. However, at the beginning when sales was my focus, the activities that I involved myself in on a professional level were all for the sale, if you know what I mean.
I can't tell you how many "coffee appointments" I had with other professional peers who were just doing the same thing I was. I met a lot a really nice people, but at the end of the day, all they wanted to do was sell me something and all I really wanted to do was sell them something.
I am not in any way trying to minimize the effort and work that many men and women do in sales roles. Our world needs these people.
For me, I'm just sitting in my purple chair and it's days like today (which recently is everyday) that I ask myself, "did I choose this chair, or did the chair choose me?"
While by God's grace I do find satisfaction in what I do, it can still seem empty. Today I thought of all the many times that I've sat across from another professional and talked "business" with them. Now, looking back, if I made the sale, no one really remembers. What if instead of talking to these prospective clients and business partners about insurance, I told them about Jesus?
When I think about that, then I start to wonder why am I still sitting in this purple chair.
Really the answer is simple. As I've been told time and time again: "This is only a season. What I'm doing does matter. My work is my mission field." For some reason, today, that's not enough, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that because it has woke me up, and even though the dryer is still going, for just a moment, I'm able to sort through and make sense of the chaos.
I guess I think incorrectly at times that eventually the dryer will stop and I will be doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. But, in reality, the dryer will never stop. Each season of my life may look different on the outside, but my purpose (which can be the topic of a blog for another day) can always be the same.
Maybe at the time, this chair chose me. But I always have a choice. Sometimes our perspective on the situation needs to change and sometimes the situation needs to change. We have to be able to recognize which needs to happen and then embrace it. For me, my perspective needs to change and it needs to keep changing.
So for now, I am going to embrace the purple chair, but this time with meaning.